Friday, April 18, 2014

God loves kittens and mondays

honestly, I was just about to put up a post about dancing.  but...then my mom reminded me it's good friday, and I was...a little convicted.  like maybe I should wait to get all richard simmons on you and actually write about something that matters a little more...

i rarely talk about faith here.  I may mention it offhand, but it is sooo deeply personal.  and I am in general a non-cheesy person, so sometimes I find the generic yet true 'God is love!' 'Cast your cares!' phrases make me feel a little like elaine benes from seinfeld when she was annoyed by the woman who was all 'my fian-ceee...' (btw, if you don't get this reference, we can't be friends.)

but...they are all true.  every one of them.  kitten poster, whatever - God IS love.  God DOES care.  God IS.  when I read through the new testament about Jesus and the stuff He talked about when he was on earth, it's...really amazing. those words will change your soul, if you let it.

i don't know how it all works, frankly, but God has placed so many pivotal people and experiences in my life that it's almost overkill at this point ;)  like, ok I get it!  I KNOW you love me now!!  lol.  and yes, because 'the Bible tells me so', but also because I am SEEING it.  and have been my whole life.  I just have to remember to open my eyes.
 

the marvel of heaven and earth

just a quick pop-in...my folks are in town from Michigan, so we are spending lots of time at the coast!  here's a few pics from our laguna beach outing yesterday...

my baby.  ok, so he's 8yrs old now.  and basically a human tornado...
but I still have so much fun with this intense little climber...
this 12yr old cool cat was intent on seeing a whale out there...he said, 'even if we saw a dead one wash up on shore that'd be cool...'  would it?
aaand...what am I looking at?  off into the distance...but not at the ocean, which is totally behind me, lol...
 
 
 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

that awkward moment when someone yells at you for clicking a pen but you have to click it one more time to use it.

i am not usually surprised.  jittery and nervous, yes - like, when my kid hides behind the door on purpose then jumps out to scare me, i scream like a woman in labor.  pants did throw me a surprise party once, years ago, with a bunch of people from our church...it was awesome when everyone sang out 'surprise!' and i was SO shocked the first thing I did was yell out a huge swear word.  oops.  and of course I was standing right in front of my pastor...

anyway.  i am really SURPRISED by the response i got from my last post!  i know, i'm a broken record.  but seriously, I  dwelled on every.single.comment on facebook (and on the blog, too), and it even spurred on discussions from friends i haven't spoken to in years.  i feel truly blessed that so many people are understanding.  so...thanks.  and know that God is using a lot of you to grow me.

******

onward.  i do have some guilt about talking about the not-so-good parts of life, especially since i do have some really great things in my life.  i think that's just normal...the good, the bad.  i am learning to lean my attitude a little more the positive way, though.  it works with the kids - if i tell myself in the morning, 'you know little sharkey lives for mischief, it's ok, just roll with it and re-direct him as needed', then it's sooo much easier to stay upbeat.  you know, like when i find him lighting dryer lint on fire with a magnifying glass, or using his pick-axe on the rose bush in the neighbor's yard...

attitude is a lot.  but not everything.  i have used quite a few different methods over the years to ward off some intense dark feelings/hormonal imbalances, and I think i have finally figured out what really works for me.  it might take me a few posts to get all the info down, though.  and i definitely don't want this to be a 'aw, amy had the sads, frowny-face' blog, so i think i will get back to talking about other stuff too.  lighthearted things, like pictures of my house, or whatever.  there are lots of good things going on around here too...i just had my head down so low i forgot to see them for a little while...

i feel like myself again.  my real self.  sometimes happy, sometimes not, sometimes putting a few drops of joy synergy essential oil behind my ears so i calm down.  I am starting to see that life can be really interesting, regardless of your particular role, if you let it.  I really do want to live the most out of every day.  i just realize now that a part of my day has to encompass taking care of myself in somewhat specific ways.  which i will start talking about in the next post...

Monday, April 14, 2014

chancho, when you are a man, sometimes you wear stretchy pants in your room. it's for fun.

so much fun today by the pool.  I always forget how much better I feel when I have some real time to talk to my friends.  and nice having kids who are old enough to swim with their pals while us moms hang out. spring break is definitely starting off pretty nice...

I want to do a few depression-centered posts (that sounds fun, right? ;), but still thinking through some things, so i'll wait a few days...

so (since he's out of the country and never reads this thing anyway) why don't I tell you a little about me and pants?
pants and I technically met in junior high.  although I wouldn't give him the time of day till high school.  he loooves to tell the story when he was in eighth grade and asked me out and i said no.  listen, I liked him!  but he was an EIGHTH GRADER, lol!  I was a SOPHOMORE in high school!  two different worlds...but he was seriously the cutest.  we got together my senior year of high school...it was magical.

fast-forward...college we were on, we were off, I was never home in the summers.  I broke up with him twice, I was kind of an awful girlfriend.  I also left the country for five months a mere 4 days after getting engaged.  BAD IDEA, btw.  we were babies, we basically got married young because...that's what good Christian kids do in the midwest.  he was 21, I was 22, we hardly knew each other and hadn't spent longer than 2 months together in four years.  oops.

the first few years were...rocky.  ok, they were terrible ;)  but hey, here we are like, 15 billion years later, still married!  and still barely see each other, ha...although now he's the one traveling all the time. 

actually, I have to say we have had quite a bit more time together the last few months.  he actually asked his boss to cut down his travel schedule, like, in half, from last year (which totally surprised me) - mainly because it's been really hard on me and the kids.  it's been hard on him too. 

pants is a funny guy...a GOOD guy.  but one of the more quiet, put-your-head-down-and-get-the-job-done ones.  definitely always saying smarmy comments under his breath, but just calm, cool...never feathers ruffled.  it's a great personality trait (especially how he relates to our temperamental oldest, they have a really good rapport since pants is sooo patient...unlike me), but...in our relationship sometimes it can translate into seeming a little...emotionally robotic, maybe?  and if you are a big ole feeler/heart-on-your-sleeve type person like me, the lack of communicated feelings can seem like maybe there IS NO feelings.  especially since i know for a fact that pants is a GREAT communicator in the workplace (it's literally like, a huge part of his job) and when he does stuff like leading a band, etc.  so...what about me??

pants is flabbergasted by this - he's always like, how do you NOT know how I feel about you?!  well, sometimes I don't.  because you never tell me!!  case closed, mister robot.  in my mind: not saying = not thinking it.  of course i totally bypass the fact that he is constantly working so hard all the time FOR US, barely ever does anything for himself, and treats me really nice...but because of the way i'm wired, i just really need to HEAR how he feels.  i know, i know, he's a dude not a lady.  but...i am kind of emotionally high-maintenance.  like, i reaaally need to hear a couple sincere i love you's or hey, been thinking about you's during the day.  else i have trouble believing it and my mind starts wandering down a totally inaccurate path...like it did this past fall.  oops.  I don't know why i can't grasp that people have different love languages, but this concept is really hard for me...

when I write it down it seems like...not a big deal.   but in reality this is...kind of a big deal.  probably because he's gone a lot, i'm trying to figure out where to go next in life, and we're also dealing with some tough stuff going on with the kids...we just relate so differently, i want a little reassurance we're still a team.  you know?

and we are.  there's been progress.  like, actually talking about our relationship.  to each other.  (instead of me just crying in the shower then phoning my mom...)  and i'm trying to give the guy a break, because seriously he deserves it.  especially when my 'big feelings' become 'BIG LOUD YELLING FEELINGS'...i'm working on it. and lately he's trying to tell me what he's thinking like, all the time and it's getting a little ridiculous, but keep it comin...

****

I gotta say, I honestly think the two things that have kept us glued together all these years in spite of our *communication* problems, is our shared belief in God and the fact that we have the same exact sense of humor.  we have from the very beginning just always truly enjoyed hanging out together and making each other laugh...this has seriously saved us from the brink so many times.  well, that and the fact that despite 20plus years and 2 kiddos, we are still always up for a make out sesh with each other...so there's that...


ps - calm down, I DID ask pants before I posted this if he cared I wrote about him...he was like, 'whatever...oh you have a blog?'

Saturday, April 12, 2014

my mother gave it to me before she died. it was her lucky machete.

first of all, seriously you guys.  can I just say THANK YOU to my facebook friends for a minute?!  I got some super encouraging responses to my last post on there, and it was really nice.  thank you for making me feel like i'm not alone!!  i am not the hugest fan of facebook, but i am so glad to have real friends on there!

I think I just waver sometimes on being a stay-at-home mom because I feel like my kids aren't quite where they should be in certain ways.  and since i'm the one who spends the most time with them, doesn't that make it MY fault?  I don't know.  but I can't really talk about parenting on this blog, since my 12yr old told me yesterday:  DON'T BLOG ABOUT ME.  EVER.  lol.  a picture here and there is ok, but no details.  so...no details ;) 

so we'll talk about the 'other' part of staying home...

pants and I have gone over this like a million times, but for right now it just WORKS when i...don't.  ha.  pants travels out of the country a LOT and is really building his career, so it just makes sense for us that i take the support role.  we have other plans for the future, but for now our roles are very 1950's.  and pants is soooo thankful he doesn't have to deal with any household details.  ever.  hmm...

i will say pants is actually really good about telling me how much he appreciates that i take care of the household stuff.  although my idea of a compliment is more 'oh baby you so sexxxy....' and not 'wow, i love how you take care of our family by organizing the pantry and stocking the fridge!'  eh, love languages...

i hesitate to say it, but i am *kinda sorta* good at running the household efficiently.  i'm a pretty organized person, but now that i have time at home while the kids are in school, i am really getting it.  like, i have a little cleaning/house-type routine i do during weekday mornings that works pretty well.  it's not perfect - my house is always kind of a mess on the weekends when we are all home, and the whole having-to-feed-everyone-constantly-else-they-will-die thing feels like a lot of pressure to me.  but i'm mostly ok with this role.

i think the depression part happened when both kids went back to school this fall, and suddenly I was like, um...now what??  i was no longer homeschooling, and no longer volunteering at the school 3-4 days a week like i had been for the past 6 years (yes, i even did that while homeschooling...i am insane).  so I kind of waffled with what to do and got a little depressed.  and then pants and i were, i don't know, strangers? for awhile and i got a LOT depressed...

ok, this is getting way too long lol.  next time maybe i will tell you how i climbed out of my depressed lonely state without using traditional meds...i am learning SO much about depression right now, and how to manage it on a daily basis...the mind is so weirdly fascinating. also, just to keep it real?  this fall was TOUGH with pants and i, you guys!!  although it was kind of...my fault.  ahem.  anyway, we can talk about all that later ;)